The term
handjob is usually reserved for something you do to a man. But
there aren’t any good terms for pleasuring a woman using your
hands and fingers, so I’m sticking with handjob. Giving a great
handjob is as much about making a connection with your partner
as it is about a specific technique. Don’t think of a handjob as
work, think of it as a craft. Thinking of yourself as a crafts
person (which, I guess, means “vulva” is your clay?) seems
fitting, since a really great handjob is way more art than
science. Below are some tips both scientific and artistic, to
guide you in the development of your craft.
Time
Required:
Two Minutes to
two hours, handjobs can usually fit into any schedule
Here's How:
1.
Deal with your hang-ups, embrace the “mystery.”
Regardless of your gender, our society doesn’t offer a lot of
information about female genitals. We do get a lot of myth and
misinformation about the clitoris, vagina, and vulva and often
people think of it as a dark and mysterious place they can’t
fully understand. The idea of mystery isn’t bad, as long as you
know that it’s a mystery that can be discovered, not something
that will always be confusing and misunderstood. If you have any
psychological hang-ups about female genitals they will get in
the way of a great handjob.
2.
Know your audience.
We all like different kinds of stimulation at different times,
and most of us have general preferences for the intensity of
stimulation. We also all come to the handjob realm with a
history, positive and negative. Women with painful histories
maybe fearful or cautious when approached by even the most
loving hands. A casual conversation (not before or during sex)
about each of your handjob pasts can yield some important
background information. And if you’re not comfortable asking
what she likes directly, there are other ways to gauge what
works and what doesn’t.
3.
Whatever you do, start slowly.
Most important is a handjob that brings enthusiasm and adventure
AND the ability to start slow and pay attention. As you touch
her pay attention to the movement of your fingers, how much
pressure you’re applying, the speed of your fingers and where
you are touching her. At the same time pay attention to what’s
going on for her. Is she making happy noises? Is she moving her
body? You can also solicit simple feedback during the handjob
(“you like?” “you want more”), although too much talking or too
many questions can get distracting.
4.
Female genital anatomy and you.
If you’re used to male genitals it can be hard at first to feel
comfortable with a woman’s body which may seem “hidden.” In fact
there’s no anatomical mystery you can learn as much about a
woman’s body as a man’s. Having a familiarity with the
fundamentals of female genital anatomy can help both in the
specifics (e.g. knowing where there are lots of nerve endings
and where there are fewer) and also in a general way it might
give you greater confidence going in.
5.
Know her hotspots.
Most of the terms used for female handjobs (like “fingering”)
can be misleading if you think that’s all there is to it. Aside
from knowing where most of her sensation will be, the clitoris,
remember that the whole area, including her inner thighs and
bum, can produce amazingly pleasurable sensations. Either by
asking or by exploring, learn where her hotspots are. You’ll
also find that some areas call for more vigorous stimulation
than others. So the way you touch the clitoris may be very
different than the way you touch the labia.
6.
How giving a handjob is like reading a story.
Like most good stories, a handjob has a beginning middle and
end. There are no rules about these being equal or being a
certain length. You may want the handjob to end when you’re both
ready to have another kind of sex, or you may want it to end
with an orgasm. But thinking about giving a handjob as if it’s
like telling your partner a story can help keep you tuned into
two crucial elements of a good handjob, pacing and connection.
7.
Building up, coming down, getting off.
Keeping a good pace during the handjob is crucial. In most cases
you want to start slow (with lots of light touch and teasing),
building up to a steady stimulation, and then intensifying to
the point of orgasm. Stopping in the middle, starting too fast
and rough, or trying to use light stimulation after you’ve been
stroking hard for a while, probably won’t work. There’s no
formulae for the right pacing, but experiment and pay attention
to your partners response (e.g. deeper breaths, more moaning,
increased body tension) and let that be your guide.
8.
Making contact.
What separates a handjob from masturbation is both the
excitement of the unknown, but also the fact that it’s someone
else giving you pleasure. Keeping a tight connection between you
and your partner during a handjob will exponentially increase
the quality and satisfaction. Whether it’s making eye contact,
allowing yourself to make noises as she does, or touching other
parts of her body with a free hand (or other parts of your
body), anything you can do to attune yourself to her experience
will help you in focusing on the pleasure of the moment rather
than thinking about what you’re going to next.
9.
Use your hands to get a lay of the land.
The first time you’re touching your partner using your hands and
fingers, feel your way around, but take time to really feel her.
It’s not just about fumbling your way to the clitoris or vaginal
opening. Notice the difference in how the outer labia feel and
how the inner labia feel. How does the perineum feel different
than the pubic mound? One thing I recommend is to pay attention
as if you had to describe what you’re feeling to someone who had
never felt it before.
10.
Fingers, pads and tips.
Your hands and fingers offer a variety of tools to touch with.
You can use the length of your finger and the knuckles to create
very different sensations and pressure. You can use the pad of
your fingers (which is the flat part you see when you open your
hand and turn it toward you. The pads have a bit of padding and
a little texture to them. You also have the tips of your fingers
and fingernails, both of which create more pointed sensations.
11.
1,000 ways to touch.
With fingers, run the length of your finger along the skin. Roll
your fingers back and forth. Use fingers for penetration. You
can use your fingertips to isolate skin and gently apply
pressure to it, squeezing it between two fingers. Use the pads
of your fingers to gently, or not so gently, tap rhythmically.
Brush your pads or finger tips back and forth across an area to
create more intense, vibrator like stimulation. These are just a
few ideas, the point is to experiment and find ways of touching
that feel good to you and your partner.
12.
Move in all directions.
You may be tempted to see female genitals as a vertical space,
and as a result all your hand movements maybe be up and down.
Don’t fall into that trap. Many women like the feeling of
fingers rubbing their clitoris in a side-to-side motion. Others
will love a twisty or circular motion. And of course you can
play with building up one kind of motion and then switching to
the same intensity but in opposite direction.
13.
The clitoris is 3-D.
If you think the clitoris is like a button on the surface of the
body that just needs to be pressed with the right amount of
pressure, or the right number of times, you’re missing the boat.
Think about the clitoris as sticking out, having a top a bottom
and sides. Play with all the edges before you come swooping in
from above, and see what works. Some women report preferring
stimulation on one side of their clitoris more than the other.
Don’t forget that the clitoris extends deep into the body, so
deep massage of the whole area can be pleasurable once she’s
already aroused.
14.
Going in.
Not all women want penetration, but many like it as part of a
handjob. As always, start slow and with one finger. You can play
with the depth of penetration, the speed, and also the kind of
pressure you apply once you’re inside the vagina. Gentle
pressure, applied firmly to the front wall can be pleasurable
for some women (and may stimulate the g spot). You can also play
with twisting your wrist so that your fingers turn. If you’re
using your fore or middle finger for penetration you can provide
clitoral stimulation with your thumb or other part of your hand
depending on how your positioned.
15.
Become a multi-tasker.
When women are surveyed for the fastest and most desirable way
for them to have an orgasm very often they report that
simultaneous clitoral stimulation and vaginal penetration with
fingers is choice #1. It’s not something everyone can do, but
once you’re comfortable and having fun with handjobs, think
about how you can create two kinds of stimulation at two
different points, at the same time.
Tips:
1.
Forget about porn.
In most cases it’s safe to say that the sex you see in porn
isn’t a good example to follow, but I would say this is
especially true of handjobs for women. Most of the sex in porn
simply isn’t real. There is no build up and far too much banging
and slapping which, even if you like that (and some women do)
you need to build up to. So with very few exceptions, put
everything you’ve seen in mainstream pornography out of your
mind when your hands head south.
2.
Wetter is better.
If your partner consistently has a lot of vaginal lubrication
you may not want to add more personal lubricant, but the fact is
that having more lubrication can intensify the stimulation, so
in this case more is rarely worse. Sticking with a water-based
or silicone-based lubricant is probably the best idea.
3.
Learn from a master.
One of the best ways to learn is to ask that your partner
masturbate for you. If they’re shy you can suggest they wear a
blindfold (it may be surprising, but it really helps). Watch how
they do it, the kinds of strokes they use, where they are
stimulating themselves the most, and the pacing they use from
beginning to end.
4.
Adding vibration.
Vibrators can be a great addition to a handjob, and you should
never feel that using one somehow lessens your skill or craft.
If you haven’t used one before during a handjob I recommend that
you turn it on and put it in her hand so she can show you where
she likes vibration, what the speed and pressure of the
vibration should be. You can also learn more about using
vibrators for women to get some pointers.
5.
Avoid over stimulation.
With too much friction and too much rough stimulation the
clitoris can become over stimulated and essentially feel a bit
numb. When this happens it’s usually very difficult for the
woman to climax no matter how much stimulation you provide. It
can be hard to know where the line is, and it requires a bit of
communication. Be sure to ask if your being too vigorous and as
always, pay attention to non-verbal cues like breathing, facial
expressions and movement.
Related
Links
